I am happy to say that after a fairly massive delay in resplendent St. Paul, Minnesota and a drenched drive back to school, I have made it home. I am thoroughly exhausted. The trip was one for the ages, and I hope to recover in time to get back next year. I’d say it’s 40% at this point. Being a total SXSW n00b, I knew that I had some serious catching up to do. I wouldn’t say that I should be writing a travelers guide or anything, but after spending some of the most hectic and enthralling days of my life in Austin, TX, I thought that I might pass on some survival tips for those who think next year will be the year that they finally sack up and get down to the lone star. Here are some do’s and don’ts for ya!
Do’s
Do: bring around some attention-attracting device for those snippy male/female bartenders who “can’t see you behind all those regularly sized men” or “can’t trade a tequila shot for a cigarette”. In my case, I brought around a finger puppet of a tiger that worked wonders.
Do: buy two drinks at a time all the time. Whether booze are free or not, the lines get massive, and if you are actually there to see some music, then you reduce your line time and look totally awesome rocking out while double fisting.
Do: see
Free Energy! I can’t say enough about their live show, and they are overall congenial dudes that are all about having a good time, and damn good at it. Jorts strongly suggested.
Do: eat at Bestwurst. The name says it all, and it’s open all night, but don’t be impatient. Once the bars close down and the penises with crew cuts flood the street, the place gets wild.
Do: check out Emo’s. It is a sight to be seen with a stage in nearly all of its 6+ rooms, and you can play DJ by running back and forth between rooms with a sweet pair of Technics headphones over an ear.
DO: WEAR EARPLUGS. I SEEM TO HAVE DONE A BIT OF DAMAGE TO MY AUDITORY SYSTEM. EITHER ALL OF THE VOLUME BUTTONS ON ALL MY VARIOUS ELECTRONICS SIMULTANEOUSLY BROKE OR I AM PRETTY FUCKED. MY ALARM CLOCK NOW CONSISTS OF PUTTING MY CELL PHONE ON VIBRATE AND STICKING IT BETWEEN MY LEGS SO I GUESS EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING.
Don’ts
Don’t: take taxis. Traffic stays at a standstill, and they are generally dick-ish.
Don’t: hang out with little Indian girls who are acting like hyenas and pouring you drinks.
Don’t: wear shoelaces. I tripped over mine in front of a bouncer and was denied entry because I “was too drunk and smelled like a brothel”. I tried to get back in line and was turned away despite my line of “needing to get in because Mayor Hawthorne is my brother and he needs me”.
Don’t: drink Lonestar. That shit tastes on the way down like it does on the way up, and you don’t look nearly as hip as when you’re bear clawing a PBR like the rest of the mustached folks. Plus, you can get Shiner Bock equally as cheap, and it makes Sam Adams taste like Natty Ice.
Don’t: worry about being “too weird”, but definitely trying to stick out is futile. I met so many furies, men with breast implants and fire eating ventriloquists that I thought I was tripping even for the short time that I wasn’t.
Don’t: try and get into all the bars you have heard of. The lines are ridiculous. The beer is horribly overpriced, and the bands are often underwhelming.
Don’t: leave Austin without eating some TexMex. It is a phenomenon that your stomach will thank you for. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for your asshole.
Don’t: pull on the catheter. Shit sucks.
Be merry, be safe, be hungry, be grateful, be my friend. That is all.
(Photo by Joey F.)
– Adam G.
